There has been many of places that I have been in my life, and my family was always there with me. I have only been on a trip far away from my family, and that was this summer when I went to Washington D.C.. My friend, my teacher, her husband and I all went on a "Business trip" to Washington D.C. because our group had won 1st place regionally in a national science technology and engineering competition, so the nationals were in D.C.. The thing was that our parents could have gone but I just chose not to tell them, because i was going to be with friends. I thought that it was going to be only a "fun with friends and cool teacher" kind of trip, but I was wrong. I realized that I was old enough to take care of myself, and that was what it was going to have to be like that for years to come.
When I was at the Honolulu international Airport I was filled with excitement, even though it was like 10:00 pm I felt like it was 12:00. As I said my good byes to my family I was kind of rushing them and trying to hurry up and leave them. It was going to be the first time I ever went on a trip without my family so I was excited, plus I was going to be exploring the nation's capitol with four of the coolest people I ever met, Jody,Kiyo ,Kai , and Mrs T. I was so physicked when we finally got on the plane that I couldn't sleep the whole six hours it took us to get to Portland. I had only left Hawaii with about $300, so I thought I was fine.
When we checked into our hotel there was a whole bunch of photographers taking pictures of us as soon as we got out of the bus. I got to share a room with Kai, so that was fine, as long as I didn't have to share a room with three guys. As soon as we all got settled I had that feeling, that I was a Young adult and that I had to be mature and take care of myself. It was like my parents with me all the time was like homework and this was like a test to see if they taught me well. I had that feeling that I had to act as if my parents were there. I immediately unpacked everything the way my parents used to tell me. I wore clothes that matched with my shoes whenever we went out.
Overall on that trip I learned that whatever your parents teach you when you are with them will be very useful when you have to go on your own. I now wear clothes that match with my shoes and I still have that feeling that whenever my parents aren't there I have to be the great young man that my parents raised.
Hi CJ,
ReplyDeleteNice job on your COA draft. You've selected an experience that works well to illustrate coming of age and have included some good specific details...like the part about unpacking and wearing matching shoes ;>
For your revision, do beyond that to show examples of maturing on a deeper level. What else did you learn about maturity and independence on your trip?
That way, when you get to the end, you will have shown that coming of age goes far beyond just wearing matching shoes :)
Good job...good luck on your reivison!
mrs s
Hey Cj.
ReplyDeleteSo, let’s start off by pointing out where you could improve your essay.
In the first paragraph where you say you have been to many places in your life with your family, you could list some of the exciting places you’ve been to. Try expanding upon the competition that you won and how you worked it win it.
Also when you mention that you could’ve brought your parents, you should make that into a new paragraph. Not only does that make your essay look longer, but also it makes it easier on people with near-sightedness.
Next, on commas and where to put them...
“Jody,Kiyo ,Kai , and Mrs T. I”
should be:
“Jody, Kiyo, Kai, and Mrs T.”
So basically its: “Subject, Subject, Subject, and Subject.”
You should put another break between where you mention you left Hawaii with $300 and “When we checked into our hotel...”
Finally, you really should try expanding on what happened at the competition itself. Like, how your presentations went, how the food was, what you learned while you were there.
Finally, I think the conclusion paragraph is so cute!
“I now wear clothes that match with my shoes...”
Hehe.
-Jordie