Many people go through a lot in their teens. It’s kind of like a learning time, they try new things. Some good some bad. One of those risk behaviors is sex. Teens are influenced by many things to have sex, the media, peers, their pride, or even their family. There is a way to help stop or lower the rates of teens that have sex, and its called sex education, most schools have it. There are also a whole bunch of ways to prevent or lower the rates of teens having sex, like Programs, co-curricular activities, ect. But there are some problems with them, because teen sex rates, and teen pregnancy rates are growing. So High schools should educate students more about sex education.
Teen sex rates are on the rise, In January 2010 nearly 46% of all teens between the ages of 15-19 years old have had sex before. That’s almost 5 in every 10 teens! There is something wrong with the programs that they are teaching young teens, and teens. Maybe they should teach more about not having sex and staying abstinent, rather than teaching them how to have safe sex. That is only telling them that if you do have sex then use a condom, but that’s giving them an option to have sex. They should show more affects of teens that do have sex, like STDs, Aids, Pregnancy, Weird feeling of being around that person, have someone that wasn’t abstinent and have them talk about their life after they had sex.
Teen sex education programs now have the basic facts about sex, like a little bit of facts on how STDs can change your life. There should be more, They should offer it as a course in high schools. That will offer a better way of getting a message out too teens about the benefits of staying abstinent. There should always be multiple ways of helping teens to stay abstinent, sports are a very good way, it helps them keep their mind off things.
Ideas: I like your ideas although i think that you should put more facts to support your opinions.
ReplyDeleteOrganization: Your organization was good although you only had one body paragraph. You should add more "meat" to your paper.
Voice: I could really hear your opinions and values in this piece but dont let that take away from the facts!
Word Choice: I liked your word choice and I thought it effectively explained your ideas in a way that the reader can easily understand.
Kay Cj, im gonna comment on your essay now...
ReplyDeleteSo, your intro is good--it is an attention getter. Your intro is written almost perfectly, but you just gotta check your punctuation and grammar here and there.
You contradicted yourself on the 2nd paragraph. You said teens should stay abstinent and not be taught safe sex, but that goes against your proposition statement. Which side are you on??? jk. Or maybe I am misunderstanding you. Check your grammer. You continue to do that on the third paragraph.
Because your proposition is "teach sex education"--which focuses more on safe sex rather that abstinence, your essay should be saying that learning safe sex is more effective than learning abstinence--not the other way around. Add more of your research because you have a limited amount of research theeerre.
So add more research and check your punctuation and grammar. Just like Kai said, add more "meat"! haha
-Traci